Presidents

 

I have noticed several things about Presidents in general. This makes me an astute person, because an astute person is "a person who notices things."

But the things I have noticed are:

1) Any thing that was good when they arrived in office, they take credit for in a year.

SPOKESMAN: During this Presidency the economy has been its highest ever. Crime was exceedingly low. And due to the President's tax bill, Americans are paying 30% less taxes.

Here is what he means.

SPOKESMAN TELLING TRUTH: During this Presidency the economy has been its highest ever, which is probably due to the previous President. Or the President before that. We doubt it will remain this high when the next President takes office, because we realize that the economy is slow to react, so the President, who is serving his second term and doesn't care, is giving absolute CRAP to the next President by greatly harming the economy now. Crime was exceedingly low because we did not have a majority in the Senate and were unable to pass our liberal crime bills. And due to the President's tax bill Americans are now paying 30% less taxes than the Russians under Communist rule.

2) They never have a single clogged pore in their lives.

Most Presidents, after they leave the White House, accept TV spots for zit medication commercials. "If you use our product, your skin will be as clear as former U.S. President John Doe's!" the company will say. And it works; sales skyrocket. This would explain the four-year zit medication sales cycles that have confused marketers for decades.

3) If they are married, their wives become more famous than they will ever be.

It's true. I have heard more people talk about the President's wives than about the Presidents. Who is always in the editorial cartoons? Why, the President, of course. But who honestly even reads the editorials? Now, whose face appears on the Globe, or Star, or Enquirer? Mrs. President's, along with a digitally added man's and a headline reading "Mrs. President Married to Two Men: The Shocking Truth of Her Mormon Role Reversal!" or something similar to that. People read THOSE!

What happens is that usually the wife will either regret or take advantage of her fame. Some of them publish books, make speeches for organizations, and accept cameos or even major roles in motion pictures, while others retire to a Canada lodge, where the President can visit daily.

4) They all have several physical characteristics that are amazingly different from anyone else, even amazingly weird. Or, at least this is what I gather from reading the editorial cartoons. I recognize the President instantly! This could be a tribute to the artists' ability, but I doubt it. If you blew up the picture to life size, it would not even be a recognizable human. All they did was take those few characteristics and draw them. Nothing else, just them. People's minds automatically fill in the missing parts.

5) There are at least three towns or famous people (and at least 50 streets) that share their last name. This is true. I noticed this on a long trip after driving through seven consecutive towns that shared the name of our current President. And these are OLD towns! I think this is possibly the only factor in determining who will win. No one really cares about "issues." Without the publicity provided by streets and towns, it is doubtful that a man whom no one knows could win the Presidency. But a man named "Mr. Louis Springfield" would win in an eyeblink; I think there is at least one town named Springfield in every state, and most people know about St. Louis. This aids his image drastically. People think "Hmmm, his first name is Louis, like St. Louis. He must be a saint! Of course I will vote for him!" And then they think "His last name is Springfield, like the Springfield two miles from here! I may even know him! He probably grew up there! He's my man!" On the other hand, a candidate name Walter Jorinskyevny would have no chance, as there is not even a single STREET named Jorinskyevny! Let alone a town!

All I can say is that I am going to buy some Oxy pads and change my name to Park Main Springfield.The Compendium

© 1998-2017 Zach Bardon
Last modified 4.2.2013
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