The Story of the Varicolored Riding Hoods

 

Once upon a time there lived a girl named Little Purple Riding Hood. She was so named because she always wore a little purple riding hood. One day her mother said, "Little Purple Riding Hood!" "Yes?" said Little Purple Riding Hood. "Go take this cheese to your bedridden grandmother," said her mother. "Okay," said Little Purple Riding Hood dutifully, and off she went.

She went over the river. Then, as she was going through the woods, she met a wolf.

"Ha ha," said the wolf with a sneer. "Where are you going, Little Red Riding Hood?"

"I am not Little Red Riding Hood," said Little Purple Riding Hood. "I am Little Purple Riding Hood."

"Oh." The wolf thought for a moment. "We wolves are colorblind, you know."

"I am not supposed to talk to strangers," said Little Purple Riding Hood. "So,-"

"Then let me introduce myself," said the wolf. "I am Wolf."

"I am not supposed to talk to wolves, either," said Little Purple Riding Hood. "So,-"

"What have you in the basket?" asked Wolf.

"Cheese. I am taking it to my bedridden grandmother."

"Where does she live?" asked Wolf.

"Over the river and through these woods," Little Purple Riding Hood replied.

Then, a little girl in a turqoise riding hood skipped by.

"Ha ha!" said the wolf with a sneer, intercepting her. "Where are you going, Little Red Riding Hood?"

"I am not Little Red Riding Hood," said the girl. "I am Little Turqoise Riding Hood."

"Hmmm," said the wolf.

"I am not supposed to talk to-"

"Allow me to introduce myself," said Wolf. "I am Wolf."

"I am not supposed to talk to wolves, either."

"I know," said Wolf. "What have you in the basket?"

Little Turqoise Riding Hood replied, "Cheese for my bedridden gran-"

"Yes, yes, yes..." The wolf rolled his eyes. "I suppose she lives over the river and through these woods, too."

"Actually," Little Turqoise Riding Hood blinked in surprise, "yes. How did you know?"

Then a little girl wearing a blue riding hood skipped by.

"Haha!" sneered the wolf, intercepting her. "Where are you going, Little Red Riding Hood?"

"I am not Little Red Riding Hood," said the girl. "I am Little Blue Riding Hood."

The wolf slapped his forehead and gave a pained look.

"Now, if you will excuse me," said Little Blue Riding Hood, "I'm not allowed to-"

"...talk to strangers OR wolves, and you are taking cheese to your bedridden grandmother who lives over the river and through these woods," said Wolf, glaring at her.

Little Blue Riding Hood was shocked and frightened, and she ran away.

Wolf turned back to Little Turqoise Riding Hood. "How many of you Riding Hoods are there?"

"Oh, lots." Little Turqoise Riding Hood smiled pleasantly. "One for each color."

"OH NO!" cried the wolf.

A girl skipped by. "HA HA," said Wolf, stepping in front of her. "Are you Little Red Riding Hood?"

"No," said the girl. "I am Little Beige Riding Hood."

"You are not supposed to talk to me," said the wolf. "So take your cheese and leave."

Little Beige Riding Hood stared at the wolf in wonder for a second, then skipped on her way.

"I must be going," said Little Turqoise Riding Hood, and she left.

"I also must be going," said Little Purple Riding Hood.

"Wait." Wolf held up a paw. "You must stay and help me find Little Red Riding Hood."

"Why?"

"I am supposed to stop Little Red Riding Hood and ask her where she is going," explained Wolf.

"Oh." Little Purple Riding Hood nodded. "Well good luck!" She smiled and skipped on her way.

Wolf sat down against a tree and sighed.

Then a girl in a riding hood skipped by.

"Hey," called Wolf to her. "Are you Little Red Riding Hood?"

"No, I am Little Maroon Riding Hood," she called back as she skipped along. "That is not too far off," said Wolf to himself.

Wolf waited.

"Tweet tweet!" went a bird.

BANG! went a gun.

The bird fell and landed next to Wolf. Wolf nosed the bird curiously. It was dead.

A hunter approached. "Ho, a wolf!" he cried upon seeing the wolf next to his bird.

"Why did you shoot this tweeting bird?" asked Wolf.

"I was bored," admitted the hunter. "I am sorry. I got tired of waiting for the wolf to come to Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother's cottage."

"Why were you waiting there?" asked Wolf suspiciously.

"I am supposed to shoot the wolf after he says 'All the better to EAT you with!' and tries to eat Little Red Riding Hood," explained the hunter.

"Mmm," said the wolf, making a mental note.

The hunter absentmindedly kicked the dead bird.

A girl skipped by. "Hey," called Wolf. "Are you Little Red Riding Hood?"

"No! HAHA!!" The girl laughed a wicked laugh. "I am Little Black Riding Hood!! HA HA HA!!"

"Oh my," said the wolf.

"I am taking poisoned cheese to my grandmother! Ha ha ha!" She rubbed her hands together.

"Oh dear," said the hunter.

Little Black Riding Hood skipped on her way, laughing quietly to herself.

"Do you think we should stop her?" said Wolf.

"Nah," said the hunter. "I am supposed to wait for this wolf."

Then Wolf had an idea. "What if the wolf says something other than 'All the better to EAT you with'? Would you still have to shoot him?"

"I don't know," said the hunter. "I always assumed the wolf would say that." He kicked at the bird.

"Are you going to need that bird?" said Wolf.

"Huh? Oh. No."

"Good, because I'm starved." Wolf ate the bird.

The sound of a skipping girl came from the road.

"Halt!" cried the wolf. "Are you Little Red Riding Hood?" He looked, but could not see anyone there.

"No," said a voice from the air in front of him. "I am Little Transparent Riding Hood."

"Oh no!" said Wolf, rolling his eyes in exasperation. "Ha ha," laughed the hunter.

A while later, a girl wearing a riding hood skipped by. Wolf no longer cared about getting his lines right. "Halt!" he said. "Color of riding hood?"

"Yellow," said the girl. The wolf let her pass.

After Little White Riding Hood, Little Taupe Riding Hood, Little Pinkish-Colored Riding Hood, and Little Tan Riding Hood had all passed by, Wolf was feeling a little hopeless.

"She will never come by," sighed Wolf.

"Who?" asked the hunter while inspecting his gun.

"Little Red Riding Hood!" said the Wolf.

"What?" said Little Red Riding Hood, who had been skipping past unnoticed.

"Aha!" said the wolf. He lept out into the road. "Ha ha!" he said with a sneer. "Where are you going, Little Red Riding Hood?"

"I am not supposed to talk to strangers," said Little Red Riding Hood.

"Then allow me to introduce myself." The wolf smiled. "I am Wolf."

"I am not supposed to talk to wolves, either," she said. "So,-"

"What have you in the basket?" asked the wolf, practically leaping for joy because of how well it all was going.

"Cheese. I am taking it to my bedridden grandmother," replied Little Red Riding Hood.

"Where does she live?" asked the ecstatic wolf jubilantly.

"Over the river," said Little Red Riding Hood. "And through these woods."

"Yes!" said the wolf. "Thank you. Well done."

"What do you mean?" Little Red Riding Hood looked up at Wolf quizzically.

"That was perfect. You said everything right." The wolf smiled. "But now you must be getting on your way."

"Yes," agreed Little Red Riding Hood hesitantly. "I must."

"Goodbye, then," said Wolf, giving her a pat on the head. Little Red Riding Hood resumed skipping down the road.

"Now, on to her grandmother's cottage!" said Wolf to himself.

"Wait! I'll come with you!" said the hunter. "I have to be there when that wolf says 'All the better to EAT you with!' and tries to eat Little Red Riding Hood."

"Oh yes," said the wolf, looking suspiciously at the hunter. "Well, come along. I know a shortcut."

When Wolf and the hunter reached Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother's cottage, the hunter said "I must go hide in those bushes," and he went and hid.

The wolf went in the house. "Eek!" said the grandmother. "A wolf!"

The wolf looked disapprovingly at the grandmother. "SHHH!" he said. "You are not supposed to say anything. I'm just supposed to eat you." "EEEEEK!" screamed the grandmother even louder.

"Tsk tsk tsk," the wolf shook his head in disappointment. Then he looked at her, and frowned. "Actually, you do not look particularly tasty. I think I would rather not eat you, so if you could just lend me a nightgown and hide in that closet, all would be well."

The grandmother silently, fearfully, did what the wolf asked.

Then Little Red Riding Hood skipped up to the door. She knocked politely.

"Come in," said the wolf, getting in the bed and adjusting the sheets. Little Red Riding Hood came in.

"I brought you some cheese, Grandma," she said happily.

"How nice," said the wolf.

"Why, Grandma," said Little Red Riding Hood, eyeing the wolf curiously. "What big ears you have."

"All the better to hear you with," the wolf replied, his eyes glittering with happiness at how smoothly everything was going.

"Why, Grandma," Little Red Riding Hood said. "What big eyes you have!"

"All the better to see you with," said the wolf, and he could not help but smile.

"Oh, Grandma!" exclaimed Little Red Riding Hood. "What big teeth you have!"

The wolf thought a moment. "All the better to, er, smile at you with," said Wolf, and he smiled.

Then the hunter burst in to the house and pointed his gun straight at Wolf. Wolf and Little Red Riding Hood were both frozen in shock. Then the hunter pointed the gun at Little Red Riding Hood. She stared back at him with wide eyes. Then he pointed it back at Wolf. Then back at Little Red Riding Hood. Then he lifted the gun. "I don't know who I am supposed to shoot," he confessed. "I thought it was the wolf, but he did not say 'All the better to EAT you with' and he did not try to eat you."

"What wolf?" asked Little Red Riding Hood, still frightened.

"Me," said Wolf.

"You are a wolf?"

"Yes. See, I have put on your grandmother's clothing," Wolf explained.

"So who do I shoot?" asked the hunter.

"I don't know," said Wolf. "This whole thing is all messed up now."

Then Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother fell out of the closet.

"Oh, Grandma!" cried Little Red Riding Hood, rushing to help her up.

Then, Little Purple Riding Hood came in. She stopped and looked at the strange scene before her. "Grandma, I brought you some cheese," she said. "Hello, Wolf." Then she covered her mouth, for she remembered that she was not supposed to talk to wolves.

"Here, Grandma," said Wolf, getting up. "Please get back in your bed. Sorry about that." So the grandmother got back in her bed.

Then Little Turqoise Riding Hood came in. She looked at Wolf and giggled. "You look so silly in a nightgown!" she laughed. Then she stopped, for she remembered that she was not supposed to talk to wolves.

"Grandma," she said. "I have brought you some cheese."

"So, Grandma," said Wolf, taking off the nightgown, "how many Riding Hoods do you have for grandchildren?"

"Oh, lots." Grandma smiled pleasantly. "One for each color."

At that moment Little Blue Riding Hood, Little Beige Riding Hood, and Little Maroon Riding Hood all came in and gave their gifts of cheese to their grandmother.

"I think I'm supposed to cut somebody open..." said the hunter, still confused.

"Oh dear!" said the Riding Hoods together.

"HA HA HA!!" laughed Little Black Riding Hood as she ran into the room. "I am Little Black Riding Hood! Grandma, I have brought you some cheese!" she said. "Now EAT it!!" She smiled fiendishly.

"Wait!" said the wolf. "The cheese is poisoned!"

"CURSES!" shouted Little Black Riding Hood, baring her teeth unpleasantly.

"What big teeth you have," said Little Turqoise Riding Hood.

"All the better to EAT YOU WITH!!" yelled Little Black Riding Hood, and she lept and attacked Little Turqoise Riding Hood.

BANG! The hunter shot Little Black Riding Hood. She collapsed to the floor. "She said it," said the hunter.

Grandma fainted.

"Oh dear," said Little Red Riding Hood.

"Now to cut her open," said the hunter. He took off Little Black Riding Hood's riding hood. The other Riding Hoods all gasped.

"Oh my," said Little Blue Riding Hood. "Little Black Riding Hood was actually a- a- bear!"

And so she was. "It is good that you shot that bear before it ate Little Turqoise Riding Hood," said Wolf to the hunter. "But please go outside to cut it open."

The Riding Hoods' grandmother came to, saw the bear, and fainted again.

Then Little Transparent Riding Hood came in, but no one noticed.The Compendium

© 1998-2019 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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