Joy Lindholm for NHS President

 

Once again it is that wonderful season of the year known as "time to elect the NHS officers." I am running.

PLANT: No, you're not.

Well, I am standing. But you should vote for me anyway. Observe me if you will; I am Joy Lindholm. I can solve the school's problems with a wave of my hand. In fact, this very hand. I also will become romantically involved with a music teacher in the near future. No, wait.

PLANT: Stop that! This is Nebraska, not Iowa!

Alright. There are a vast multitude of reasons that you should vote for me. More reasons than I can count. On BOTH HANDS!

One of these reasons is that I am a student here at CCH. This is a very desirable attribute for an officer here to have, I understand.

PLANT: That's a terrible reason!

Shut up. Now, another reason is that I have never intentionally run over a small child playing in the street. This shows that I am flowing with the milk of human kindness. Figuratively.

PLANT: Those aren't good reasons! What about issues?!

Ah, yes. Issues. I brought several of them today. They are issues of my favorite magazine, Fox Hunting Monthly. This does not mean that I fox hunt monthly, but rather that I get this particular magazine every month. It is an excellent magazine, full of-

PLANT: I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID DOG MAGAZINE!!

FOX magazine.

PLANT: I STILL DON'T CARE! TALK ABOUT ISSUES!

I did. Would you like to read them?

PLANT: NO!!

Well, that's fine with me. You'd probably bend the pages.

Another reason you should vote for me is that I know how to ride a horse. This is a VERY good characteristic for a leader to have. Not a wholesome trot race, no, but a race where they-

PLANT: I SAID cut out the Music Man stuff!!

Sorry. But as I was saying, many great leaders knew how to ride horses. For example, think about the War for Independence. It is highly probable that America would not even be a nation if George Washington did not know how to ride a horse. That's why they elected him President, because he could ride a horse. So can I, and better than him, I dare say. Imagine George Washington running down toward the battle with all his men slowly trotting on horses behind him! Think of the embarrassment! General Cornwallis would likely have said, "HA HA HA! Look! Their President can't ride a horse! Look at him run! He runs like a GIRL!! HA HA! We will defeat them! They have a terrible leader! HA HA!"

Fortunately, he could ride a horse. As you can see, it is very important that your leader ride a horse. I am sure my opponent only WISHES she could get NEAR a horse without it KICKING AT HER.

Also, I have great Christian character.

PLANT: What's your horse's name?

Josh.The Compendium

© 1998-2021 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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