Phoomp!

 

I later wrote:

> *Phoomp!* (sound of person sitting down)

If that were actually the noise being made, this would mean one of several things:

A) The person was sitting on a poofy cushion. You know, the kind where you hear the air escaping from the cushion when you sit on it.
B) The person was very obese (that means FAT).
C) A nearby percussionist struck a bass drum at the same time the person sat down.
D) The person owned a trained animal, like a sea lion, that was trained to hit a bass drum every time someone sat down.
E) The person sat on a bass drum.
F) The person sat on a sea lion.
G) A nearby fat person sat on a poofy cushion.
H) A nearby sea lion sat on a poofy cushion.
I) A nearby percussionist struck a fat person, while a sea lion sat down on a bass drum.
J) A nearby bass drum struck the person sitting down, while a poofy cushion was thrown at a percussionist by a large orangutan.
K) A nearby large orangutan threw a fat person at a bass drum, while the person sat down on a percussionist busy striking a poofy cushion.
L) A nearby poofy cushion landed on an ostrich.

This leads to some interesting questions, such as: "Where did he get his trained sea lion?" And: "Since when do percussionists strike bass drums?" Also: "What is the meaning of 'ostrich'?" The most interesting puzzle this presents is: "How could the large orangutan possibly lift the fat person?"

If you're like me, then you realize by now that *PHOOMP!* was NOT the correct word for expressing the noise made by a person sitting down. I mean, wouldn't that be embarrassing? Imagine yourself sitting at your desk at school, the office, a restaurant, or even on a bus! *PHOOMP!* "Oops," you would say. Then, quickly collecting yourself, "My! What a poofy cushion!" Of course, if there was actually not a cushion there, you would have to say something else like "My! I'm obese!" Actually, you may not want to try that one. If absolutely necessary you could say "Look over there! An ostrich!" and when they are all looking for the ostrich you could put on a disguise. I recommend the Groucho mask. They're cheap and effective. If you're a female, people may stop talking to you altogether. If you're a male, I have often found that people will say "Nice moustache." Also: "Why don't you grow sideburns?"

No, the correct noise would have been something like ~|%. I realize this is not phonetically possible to pronounce, because neither is the actual noise of a person sitting down. If you were to place a microphone on a chair it would probably yield some interesting results. Along with some interesting (and quite likely very humorous) sounds, you could hear people sitting down. And it would sound like ~|%. No matter how hard you or anyone else tried, you could not replicate the noise with your mouth. Unless possibly your mouth threw a percussionist at an ostrich.The Compendium

© 1998-2021 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
Flangitize it!