The Turning of The Millenium

 

People today are excited about an event known as the Turning of the Millenium. This event will occur in another few years.

What makes this event so amazing? Why do people care? They care because they are worried about their bank. If their bank has not updated a bunch of stuff inside their computers known as "COBOL" then it will probably explode the instant the ball drops in Times Square. Since banks want to assure their clientele that they will not explode on the turning of the millenium, they give substantial amounts of their clientele's money to computer people. These computer people come in and update the COBOL (actually an acronym standing for Computer Operators Becoming Outmoded Losers; that's why they need updating).

The computer people say that performing this operation is quite difficult, but I am able to fully explain it because my own father is a computer person. Updating the COBOL involves manually scrolling through all the "code" looking for any place where the date shows up, and changing the code in that place. I am not permitted to tell you HOW they change it, because then you might become a computer person yourself and steal my dad's business. When the computer person is reasonably certain that he has changed all the thousands of places, he tells the bank people, who then guarantee the bank as being "Y2K Compatible." This phrase has its own logo now, like "Enhanced CD" or "Real" dairy products. Even companies who do not use computers at all, like meat-packing corporations and stuffed-animal manufacturers, guarantee themselves as "Y2K Compatible" to reassure their customers. On a recent trip to the grocery store, I purchased a loaf of bread that was Y2K Compatible. I was certainly reassured.

So the upshot of this article is that you should make sure your bank is Y2K Compatible. If it isn't, withdraw your money and put it in a bank that is. But stay aware of your bank's status. If they remain non-Y2K Compatible, then be nearby for the big event. The instant the year 2000 is upon us, the bank will explode, sending huge amounts of currency flying into the air. If you are there, you can catch some of the money and make a profit off the occasion.

"But," some people are certainly protesting, "I'm excited about the Turning of the Millenium and I don't even have money in a bank or give a darn about this Y2K stuff. I just think it's Highly Significant." There are honestly people like this. I know, because my friend is one of them. My friend has already made plans to be in Times Square when the ball drops. And he lives in Nebraska. I wonder sometimes whether the event will be more Significant there than in Nebraska. Of course it will! Why? Because he might be on TV! No one cares about Nebraska on New Year's! Unless there's a football game!

Those same people also say "It's so awesome because this is an event that few people ever witness in their lifetimes!" By this token, the smoker accidentally igniting a haybale six blocks down my street is vastly more significant than the Turning of the Millenium, because only the guy trying to light his cigarette saw it happen.

I think the only reason it's a big deal is because people are sick of writing dates in the nineteen hundreds. "Yes! I don't have to write stupid 1900 dates anymore!" people think. Schoolchildren love this idea, because they have to write dates more than anyone else. I can certainly understand the schoolchild's excitement; imagine writing "8-24-2000" at the top of your paper! I think the best thing about the Turning of the Millenium is the forms. A lot of forms these days are NOT Y2K Compatible. They ask that you fill in the date, and give you something like "19__" Ha ha! They will be wrong! And you can tell them that! Write it on the form! Write "You are wrong! The Millenium has Turned! It is now the year 2000! I am better than you!" You may just want to think that last sentence to yourself, especially if you are filling out a job application or something. But the point is that you will suddenly be superior to everything with a 1900 date on it. Books made in the 1900s will suddenly be outmoded and useless. We can laugh together at the foolish ideas of those who predicted what things would be like in the year 2000. Flying cars! Ha! WE know better, because WE are HERE! WE LIVE in the year 2000! We are Y2K compatible! We are better!

The Turning of the Millenium is not so much a Significant Happening as it is a Superiority Opportunity. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go change banks.The Compendium

© 1998-2021 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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