Just in case, in the last months, you didn't wake up to the noises outside, or wade through the mud in the street, or puncture seven consecutive bike tires on all the rocks, or wonder at the fence that kept magically showing up with holes, or see large and hostile-looking structures start materializing west of Eliot, there has been construction going on on the South 40.

I'm guessing that is news to no one. It's not news to me. I seriously have punctured bike tires! And I'm talking both tires! I have just been biking around with flat tires now because I got tired of always replacing the tubes. Those rocks are troublesome! I would say they should be dragged out into the street and shot, except the problem with them is that they already are in the street. In another tragic incident, a guy on my floor named Init sprained his ankle while attempting to navigate some of the rocks in the street.

Yes, it's true: construction has been doing strange things to our campus. I have heard rumors. Allegedly, up to seventeen students have been diagnosed with silicosis, caused by students inhaling some of the strange dust that floats from the site. I also heard of a particularly short girl from Beaumont 3 getting completely washed away by a torrent of muddy water resulting from the much-appreciated efforts to clean all the silicosis-causing dust and rocks off the street. She regained her feet at the bottom of the hill in Big Bend.

I have often heard it said, "It always gets worse before it gets better." I understand this. If you're going to make a building, you're going to have to make a little mud first. But I'm wondering, and I think justly so, when or if it will get better. Once completed, the new dorms do not seem as though they will look even remotely "homey." A sheer brick wall with cheap-looking windows and an inexplicable seam down the middle? The other dorms at least have the hominess granted by age.

Now, this is in no way meant as an attack on the construction workers. They're just doing what they get paid to do, and I for one appreciate them. Have you seen that guy that looks almost exactly like Jimmy Stewart? It's amazing! This is meant as an attack on what they're paid to do.

And speaking of the new dorms, I was vastly in support of the administration when they decided to survey the student body last year and ask them what they wanted in a dorm. What? That never happened? No way! Oh. That must have been one of those dreams where you wake up and think it really happened. Well, it's almost a relief to find out it was a dream. I was about to rip into the student body for requesting such pathetic dorms. Ha ha! That would have been funny.

Ok, look at the bright side. The silver lining to the cloud, if you prefer Wodehousian terms. When it is done, there will be more parking! Huzzah! Or look at it this way (WARNING: DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING IF YOU WILL BE A SOPHOMORE NEXT YEAR. THERE IS NOTHING MORE THAT CAN BE SAID TO ENCOURAGE YOU): You'll get nice housing, right? Wherever you go? Sure you will. The new dorms might look ugly, but you won't have to live there. In fact, my editor recommends you live off-campus. He also recommends that you never go to campus at all. "That place makes me sick," he says. "All they ever do there is complain." My editor drinks a lot of coffee.The Compendium

© 1998-2021 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
Flangitize it!