Economy

 

Many people today are concerned about something called "the economy." For those of you who do not know what the economy is, I recommend you ask someone who knows. I sure as heck don't know what it is, but I DO know who knows. Alan Greenspan.

Alan Greenspan heads up the American economy in much the same way that Lee Iacocca headed up Chrysler. I make this analogy because Chrysler under Iacocca represents the American car market. In other words, the American economy is probably bigger than, but highly inferior to, the imported economies.

Wait a moment! I just looked at my notes from my interview with Alan Greenspan! I had no idea what I was talking about back there! An economy is nothing like a car!

ME: How many economies are there in America?
ALAN: Billions. More than there are people.
ME: Really?
ALAN: Yes.

How foolish of me! As you can now see, there are MORE economies in America than people! Whereas there are LESS cars!

ALAN: But the most important economy is the American economy.
ME: Which one?
ALAN: The American one.
ME: Aren't they ALL American?
ALAN: Well, yes, but...

After that he started using a lot of big words, like "capital" and "revenue." Of course I followed him the whole way through, nodding my head in all the right places, and occasionally asking other relevant questions, like "Are the imported economies cheaper?" and "Is that a comfortable chair?"

Basically the only understandable fact I could get out of him was that the economy, which he assured me many times many people DO care about, is based on money.

ME: America has no money. It owes a lot of money to people I don't know.
ALAN: It is not based on the [long words] Index, just the currency.
ME: I know what currency is! That's paper money!

So apparently the American economy is based entirely on a flammable substance. This does not bode well for the American economy. However, Alan assured me that the economy was doing very well at the moment.

ME: Economies are ALIVE?!
ALAN: You could look at it that way.
ME: So basically if someone tied the economy down and threw a match, you would burn it to death at the stake?
ALAN: You lost me in your journalist lingo there.
ME: Fortunately, burning money is against the law, right?

For a man who heads up something as important as the American economy (I never found out which one), Alan is not terribly perceptive. He just stared at me like I had just asked him to dance a tango on his chair. So I moved on.

ME: So, I hear the Cubs beat the White Sox.
ALAN: Yes, several months ago.

From that point on, the conversation went downhill. I never found out what exactly the American economy is, but I can certainly reassure you that it is "doing very well." And try to forget that Lee Iacocca resigned.The Compendium

© 1998-2021 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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