Squirrels

 

I'm sure there are few drivers left in America who have not, at some point or another, run over a squirrel with their vehicle. This small number of drivers is steadily dwindling. One can only guess just how many squirrels have been killed by people driving vehicles. If we estimate that there are about 275 million people in the United States, 65 percent of which can drive, 93 percent of which have killed a squirrel, this gives us a figure somewhere in the vicinity of 166,237,000 squirrels. And then we must take into consideration the repeat offenders. Of those roughly 166 million drivers who have killed squirrels, a large percentage of them have killed several squirrels. I once met a man named Phil who claimed to have run over 28 squirrels. I believed him. He's that kind of guy. If we reasonably extrapolate the possible repeat offenders, especially when considering the average age of an offender, this would place our figure somewhere near 274.7 million. That's 274.7 million squirrels killed by American drivers, and within no more than the last thirty years! That's a lot of squirrels!

Now, I would like to point out that I have yet to see an environmentalist support group for squirrels. And why isn't there one? I mean, there are support groups for mink! How many mink do you suppose have been killed within the last thirty years? 19,476, approximately. This is far less than the number of murdered squirrels. And furthermore, humans use mink fur for coats, and other stuff. Humans use absolutely no part of the squirrel whatsoever. They just leave it there to rot. Since the average adult squirrel weighs around two pounds, this would mean that in the last thirty years alone, over 549 million pounds of squirrel has rotted away on our public highways.

The way I see it, there are only a few solutions to this horrific problem:

1) Start a support group for squirrels, and get the information out to the public. This is the least likely to succeed, as mink are still being killed.

2) Eliminate roads and vehicles from America. Reinstate the bicycle as the primary means of transportation.

3) Every time a person hits a squirrel, they could be taxed $80. If the government had actually implemented this tax thirty years ago, we could have reduced the deficit by roughly 22 billion dollars.

4) Every time a person hits a squirrel, they must deliver the squirrel carcass to a designated squirrel recycling bin. The squirrels will then be made into hats, to save the senseless slaughter of raccoons.

5) Every time a person hits a squirrel, the road that the squirrel was hit on should be closed down permanently. This will prevent further murders.

6) Restrict the planting of squirrel-attracting trees, especially oaks, to the centers of large fields or government parks and sanctuaries. Any such tree currently standing must be cut down.

These are really the only possibilities that would work. You may think that these are quite drastic solutions for something as trivial as squirrels. If you are not impressed by the fact that 274.7 million squirrels have been killed in the last thirty years, perhaps you would find it interesting to know that if the same number of Americans were killed, the population of America today would be no more than 300,000 people. That would mean eliminating every city except most of Omaha, NE. I do not find the unapologetic killing of 274.7 million squirrels to be a trivial thing.

I wrote to the Secretary of Transportation, and got this typical solution:

7) Place a "SQUIRREL XING" sign wherever a squirrel is hit.The Compendium

© 1998-2021 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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